Archive for ‘Political Humor’

January 27, 2013

Robot Bartender

Guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there’s a robot bartender! The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” The robot brings back his drink and says to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says,” 168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, . . . but he is curious . . . So he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey.” Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Whiskey,” and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.”

The robot leans in real close and says, “SO, . . . you people . . . still happy . . . with Obama?”

The Comedian

The Comedian

May 24, 2012

Barocky Road Ice Cream Cone

Barocky Road Ice Cream Cone

In honor of the 44th President of the United States , Baskin-Robbins Ice Cream has introduced a new flavor: Barocky Road.

Barocky Road is a blend of half vanilla, half chocolate, and surrounded by nuts and flakes. The vanilla portion of the mix is not openly advertised and usually denied as an ingredient. The nuts and flakes are all plentiful.

The cost is $92.84 per scoop…so out of a hundred dollar bill you are at least promised some CHANGE..!

When purchased it will be presented to you in a large beautiful cone, but after you pay for it, the ice cream is taken out of the cone and given to the person in line behind you at no charge.

You are left with an almost empty wallet, staring at an empty cone and wondering what just happened. Then you realize this is what “redistribution of wealth” is all about.

Aren’t you just stimulated?

April 17, 2012

GOP Mistakes, Social Justice Oxy-morons & Women’s decisions that effect ME.

A Few Names in the News.

by BurtPrelutsky

Burt Prelutsky
humor columnist

I REALIZE there are perfectly decent Republicans who still hold out hope that, through divine or not so divine intervention, Santorum, Gingrich or Paul, will wind up being the GOP nominee. I have no doubt that years ago, they were perfectly decent children who believed in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy. So while I hate to destroy anyone’s delusions, I think it is high time that the RNC grew up and faced reality.

For openers, if this primary season has taught us anything, it’s that the GOP needs to address its laundry list of mistakes. One, they should do away with caucuses; if a state doesn’t wish to stage an actual primary for whatever reason, they should just sit it out. Are you listening, Iowa?

Two, let’s put an end to open primaries. Why would Republicans want Democrats helping to decide who our nominee is going to be? Do you really think they have our best interests at heart?

Three, let’s stop putting Iowa and New Hampshire at the head of the parade. In a general election, neither state is all that important, but because they come first, the nation has to focus on them for weeks, even months, at a time. And no more punishing states like Florida and Michigan for wanting to move up the dates of their primaries. Instead, have a start date; say January 15th, and then allow each state to determine when they want to hold their primary. If they all decide on January 16th, so be it. At least we wouldn’t have to drag these things on endlessly.

Finally, assuming all the primaries wouldn’t take place on the same date, candidates who don’t achieve a certain level of support would be excluded from future ballots. As I write this, there have been nearly 30 primaries or caucuses, and thus far Gingrich has won two and Paul, who is making his third run, has once again won none. There is no good reason that they should continue to be regarded as serious candidates, in just the same way that a bunch of wannabes looking to garner some publicity have no business clogging up the debates. I mean, seriously, did anyone, including his daughters, ever really believe that Jon Hunstman was going to be the nominee?

As long as I’m busy making rules, I would like to make a rule that nobody ever again be tried for a hate crime. A crime is a crime, and whether the victim is a black, a Hispanic or a homosexual, should not make the punishment any more severe than if the victim is a WASP. One can safely assume that every crime is hateful to the victim. People who favor concentrating on “hate” rather than “crime” are the same noodle-heads who are unaware that “social justice” is an oxymoron. Justice doesn’t call for adjectives. Once they’re added on, it ceases to be justice, which is why Lady Justice is always pictured blindfolded and why Martin Luther King pleaded for a colorblind society.

Not too long ago, I saw Rosie O’Donnell and Angelica Houston on TV sticking up for Sandra Fluke, and pretending on Obama’s behalf that mandating contraception and abortion for employees of Catholic entities is not actually an infringement on religious freedom, but is all about women’s health.

In their discussion, they parroted the old line about men having no business being involved in women’s reproductive freedom. Even if we ignore the fact that men are fathers, brothers and boyfriends, whose own lives will be greatly affected because of the decisions made by women, by what stretch of the imagination do these two women — one a 50 year old lesbian, the other a 60 year old who has all the reproductive freedom she could possibly want, thanks to Mother Nature — have commenting on things that don’t involve them?

I recently got word that over 50,000 people have been killed in Mexico over the past five years. At about the same time, I learned that Malia Obama had been vacationing in Mexico with some of her school chums.

I must confess it surprised me that her mother, who seems overly concerned that your kids are eating an occasional cupcake, would send her child to a place that makes Kandahar seem as safe as Lincoln’s bedroom.

Then I heard that the kids were accompanied by 15 Secret Service agents! That’s 15 –count them–- 15!

The first thing that occurred to me was that I helped pay for that kid’s vacation.

The second thing that occurred to me was, like mother, like daughter.

via BurtPrelutsky.com.

March 30, 2012

Liberal, Just Another Word For Stupid

by BurtPrelutsky

Burt Prelutsky
humor columnist

I CAN’T TELL YOU how many times I’ve asked myself how it is that so many of my fellow Americans can actually go out and vote for people as ignorant as Patty Murray, Barbara Boxer and Hank Johnson. Rep. Johnson, in case he’s slipped your mind, is the Democrat representing Georgia’s 4th congressional district, whose claim to fame is that during a House Armed Services Committee hearing, he asked Admiral Robert Willard if he shared the congressman’s concern that adding 8,000 servicemen and their families to the 175,000 civilians on the island could cause Guam to tip over and capsize.

The truth is, even if you ignore their politics, it would be hard to imagine any group of people in which this trio would not stand out by reason of their ignorance.

But just as often, I’ve found myself wondering why Fox keeps offering up the likes of Juan Williams, Leslie Marshall, Geraldo Rivera, Alan Colmes, Marc Lamont Hill and Bob Beckel. I sit at home listening to these donkeys braying the same predictable talking points to each and every question, and I find myself dismissing Fox’s claims to being fair and balanced. If that’s their intention, I say to myself, why is it they never invite some intelligent people on to present the liberal side of issues?

Then it struck me. There is no intelligent argument that can be made for liberalism. All any of them can do is parrot the same insipid sound bites dreamed up by the likes of Barack Obama, James Carville, David Axelrod, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Debbie Wasserman-Schultz, and regurgitated ad nauseam by Jay Carney.

There is a very good reason why there’s nobody on the Left who is comparable to Charles Krauthammer, Mark Levin, Thomas Sowell, Brit Hume, Ann Coulter, Dennis Prager, Walter Williams, Mark Steyn, Steve Hayes, Bernie Goldberg, Harry Stein, Michael Medved, Mark Alexander, Bret Baier, Michelle Malkin and Lou Dobbs. The reason is that liberals never think for themselves. Aside from plotting how to game the system in order to steal elections, none of them ever has an original thought. Even questioning Barack Obama is regarded as an act of heresy.

What’s more, I can prove it. Every liberal in public life has called for abolishing the Second Amendment. Now why is that? I happen to know a number of liberals who own guns. What’s more, rich liberals who don’t own guns have security people on their payroll who carry them. Even anti-gun advocate Sen. Dianne Feinstein was once found to be packing a heater in her purse, and yet, with a single voice, liberals squeal for the abolition of all firearms. The only reason for all this hypocrisy is because some influential liberal along the way decided it was a divisive issue which could be used as a wedge between them and the rest of us.

How else could a Chicago punk at a San Francisco fundraiser be so certain that he would derive laughter, applause and huge campaign donations, from a bunch of limp-wristed fat cats by demeaning his betters as “those who cling to their guns and their religion”? For good measure, he was well-guarded at the event by a squad of Secret Service agents armed to the teeth.

If you still question my statement that liberalism is synonymous with stupidity, imagine a TV network whose intellectual heavyweights are Chris Matthews, Rachel Maddow, Ed Schultz and Al Sharpton, or a now defunct radio network that headlined Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo, whose combined IQ would have to climb a stepladder and then stand on its tippy toes in order to reach triple digits.

The truth of the matter is that if liberals were as smart as they claim, they’d be conservatives.

via BurtPrelutsky.com.

March 15, 2012

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women « Bits and Pieces

Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women

#10 – You can trade an old 44 in for a new 22.

#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.

#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.

#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3 – A gun doesn’t ask , “Do these new grips make me look fat?”

#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the Number One reason Why Men Prefer Guns over women…

#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun

via Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women « Bits and Pieces.

March 6, 2012

Just How Dumb Are Republicans?

by Burt Prelutsky March 5, 2012

Burt Prelutsky

Burt Prelutsky - Political Humorist

SOMEONE ONCE OBSERVED that Democrats are evil, whereas Republicans are stupid. As a Republican, I really wish I didn’t have to acknowledge the truth of that statement. But after suffering through the GOP primaries thus far, what choice do I have?

Frankly, I don’t object to the contenders going after each other with axe handles. That’s what primaries are for. Every contender should have ample opportunity to besmirch the other guy’s generally sleazy reputation. How else will we be able to find out the awful truth before the general election rolls around and we hear it from the opposition?

After all, on the important issues, such as an abolition of ObamaCare, removing all of those absurd EPA regulations stifling business, rebuilding the military and lowering taxes, they’re pretty much in agreement. The only exception, of course, is squirrely Ron Paul, who never allows one of his naps to be interrupted by nightmares involving a nuclear Iran.

The bone I have to pick with the RNC concerns the way they conduct primaries. For one thing, any state should be allowed to set its own date for a primary. It is beyond stupid that the world has to stop for weeks at a time just so that a few thousand people can gather for a little caucus in Iowa and an election involving less than a million people can be held in New Hampshire.

Only a Party of dunces would punish major states such as Michigan and Florida for moving up the dates of their primaries by slashing their number of delegates to the national convention in half.

By the time the election rolls around, I guarantee we’ll all be far more interested in the vote totals in Florida and Michigan than those coming out of Iowa and New Hampshire.

This is especially the case after Iowa proved that they can take two weeks to count up a handful of votes and still manage to get it wrong.

Next, we come to those other states that hold caucuses that are referred to as beauty contests because the winner doesn’t collect any delegates, but merely gets to brag about his meaningless victory until the next actual primary rolls around.

Perhaps the dumbest decision of the RNC is to hold what are known as open primaries. It’s bad enough when neither Party has an incumbent in the race, as occurred in 2008 when the 22nd Amendment prevented George Bush from running a third time. However, when there is an incumbent, as there is now, why would you allow Democrats to muddy the waters by voting in GOP elections? Does anyone at Republican headquarters really think they will vote for the candidate who is likely to wage the strongest campaign against Obama?

If in spite of the idiocy displayed by the RNC, a Republican wins the November election, there are a few things, aside from the most obvious, such as the deep-sixing of ObamaCare, I have on my wish list. To begin with, I would like to see English finally made the official language of this country, meaning we would never again print a ballot in Urdu, Mongol or Tagalog. Photo IDs would be required in order to vote and confirmation of one’s legal status through E-Verify would be required for those seeking employment.

I would also want every war we engage in to be officially declared, and a sacred vow that we will never again expend blood or treasure protecting one group of blood-thirsty Muslims from another. I also want it written into law that we will never re-build a nation at the same time we are at war with it. We seem to have forgotten how to wage war since 1945, and I suggest it’s high time our leaders, both political and military, went back and studied how it was done.

Next, I want as many departments of government as possible to be done away with as soon as possible. At the very least, no more meddling in matters of education and health care; no more sticking its nose into those things well outside its constitutional purview such as abortions and food stamps. It is high time Washington got out of the social-engineering business.

If, after all that, the federal government finds itself with time on its hands, it can start protecting the border, which, incidentally, is one of its few constitutionally-authorized responsibilities, although you wouldn’t know it judging by our past five presidents.

I would want the oil companies to be allowed to drill in Alaska, off the coastline and everywhere else there is oil lurking. While I wouldn’t forbid the oil giants from selling oil overseas, I would insist that in exchange for those precious oil leases, in addition to a generous royalty, a large enough supply of oil remained here in America to guarantee a price not to exceed, say, $2.25-a-gallon.

I’m sure the oil companies would start screaming about restricting the free market, but I would point out that they never bring up the sanctity of the free market when they’re asking for federal subsidies or during all those decades when they saved billions of tax dollars, thanks to the patently corrupt oil depreciation allowance.

To conservatives not engaged in the oil business who would still feel uneasy about restricting the not so free market, I would point out that the companies don’t own the land and nobody would think of compelling them to pay for the leases and drill for the oil. If they decide it would be an unprofitable undertaking, they simply wouldn’t make the deal. No hard feelings. But I suspect they would not only sign, but let us keep the fountain pen.

Finally, I keep hearing Obama condemn Republicans for playing politics. Of course we Republicans know that Obama only stops playing politics in order to play a few rounds of golf. But even his own groupies should take a break from their idol worshipping long enough to consider the fact that when the battle over raising the debt limit was going on, their guy didn’t threaten to stop payments to illegal aliens, members of Congress or welfare recipients. He did not threaten to cut off food stamps or stop paying those thousands of employees he added to the federal payroll. And he sure as heck didn’t tell Michelle she’d have to stop taking all those pricey trips at our expense.

Instead, this left-wing paragon of virtue threatened to stop sending checks out to Social Security recipients and retired veterans.

Whoever ends up being his GOP opponent should keep in mind when he gets in the ring with Obama that he came to us straight from the sewers of Chicago. Therefore, whether it’s Rocky Romney or Kid Santorum, he should be sure to watch out for eye-gouges, kidney punches and head-butts in the clinches.

And whatever else he does, he should never leave home without his cup.

via BurtPrelutsky.com.

March 2, 2012

O’s Joke of the Day

I recently asked my friend’s little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, Liberals, were standing there, so I asked her, “If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.” Her parents beamed with pride.

“Wow…what a worthy goal.” I told her. “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.”

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?”

I said, “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents still aren’t speaking to me.

Tags:
%d bloggers like this: